Funny wisdom

ამ ანდაზებზე ვუდი ალენი გამახსენდა - ფრთიანი აზრების დიდოსტატი :)

ვერ წარმომიდგენია რომ ამ აზრების პატრონი ნაბიჯს არ დგამდა საკუთარი ფსიქოანალიტიკოსის გარეშე.

გამორჩეულად ესენი მიყვარს:

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.